Now that I have this blog I really don't know what to write. Crazy....I wrestle with just how much to reveal about myself. I created this blog to just let go no matter what. Didn't care if anyone read it or not. But now that it's time to get it started, I know someone is reading and for those that don't know what I'm going through or who I am, I'm torn. I just don't want to be be judged...
You know what, fuck it...I care entirely toooooo much what people think about me and that's one thing I need to let go of.
So how am I feeling right now? Fuckin great! Why? Alcohol and laughter. I've had a few margaritas and through some good people in a wonderful facebook group Loc'd Superfriends, I feel nooo pain. So much laughter that I've numbed myself from what I'm going through. Whether that's a good or bad thing right now, doesn't matter.
I betcha wanna know what i'm really going through huh? Hmmm I really don't know where to begin. So many factors contribute to the way I'm feeling today. But in this moment, I'm a single parent of 2 daughters. Unemployed for 1 year, 2 months...no money and struggling. Now I know I'm not the only one going through this, so please don't tell me thing. Irritates me. Does nothing to make me feel better. I feel like I'm going through this alone. Their fathers don't help. I refuse to dog them because I loved them at one point and if I'm real with myself, I still do. At heart, they are both good men, but their priorities are fucked up and we all are struggling. I fight the stereotype of the single mother all the time but i guess I'm living it. Hmmm...let's see... I get a little unemployment from my job closing, and that's it. I don't qualify for public assistance/welfare (which boggles my mind), behind and can't pay rent and there is no one to turn to...everyone is struggling right? Applying for jobs, no one is calling...reapplying for the same jobs, since it's a small city and still....nada...so what do i do? Pray? yes I pray and cry to the Creator multiple times daily...but what physically can i do. I feel like a bad mother...i know, i know... I mean they say 'faith without works bears no fruit' right? i mean something like that. I'm not religious....so I feel like if I'm not DOING something, it's useless. I mean, my babies need to eat, we need housing and utilities...it's getting cold. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely thankful and blessed right now. We are healthy, we still have a place to stay, utilities still on, and food in the fridge, transportation...and many other blessings. But, I'm behind in rent and the landlord isn't happy, utilities are behind, and food is getting low....yes i could be out on the street so I'm thankful it's not worse but who do I turn too...when I'm losing friends left and right.
These last 6yrs have been rough. I feel like I've gone from crisis to crisis..and when I'm not going through crisis, I'm waiting for the next crisis. I mean, that's not living. That's existing. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to breathe....but I feel like I can't breathe yet. I keep holding my breath waiting for things to get better. When I know things are better I can breath...right?
You know what happens when you hold your breath for too long right? Right....
Just ready to live...live on purpose. Find out what I was put here to do and do it. Provide for my babies as a mother should. I'm tired...and lost...and I'm soooo fuckin tired of feeling lost. I've been here for too long. When is it my turn?
*takes breath*
No comments:
Post a Comment